As I wrote the word “intimidate” in a text, it hit me. That word resembles the word “intimate” in an ironically close manner. I find it to be no mistake and their correlation sums up the past year and a half for me, perfectly.
A very wise woman told me that “they” say however long your relationship was, it takes half of that to heal and be ready for a new one. We were together for almost 4 years. That means almost two years before I’d be ready for a new relationship? I didn’t believe that. I didn’t love him anymore, that stopped the day I realize what kind of person he really was and what he/she did. It’d be different for me, I thought. Here I am, one year and eight months later. Still single, who said I was so special to be that different? Haha.
in·tim·i·date: to make timid or fearful
in·ti·mate: belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature
A heartbreak is never an easy wound to heal but when it comes with a double dose of betrayal, it’s even harder. I had unwillingly become fearful of the intimacy every human being longs for with another person because of the actions of both of those people. When it came to men, I had superficial relationships because I didn’t know how to open the door of my deepest self to them. There were times, two to be exact, where I wanted to so badly because I knew they were worthy of my trust and were genuine. But no matter how hard I tried to turn the knob and open the door, it was welded shut. I’m sure it seemed as if I just didn’t care but I did and I tried to explain that as best I could. It wasn’t their fault, nor was it mine. I’m reminded of the story The Sword and the Stone, it just wasn’t the right timing. There was a lot of internal healing that had yet to take place and until that happened, no one was getting in.
I’m thankful to say that I have come a long way. I feel it in my heart, I see it in the way I view the future and the people around me. I have forgiven the two of them a long time ago and I think that was key to me moving on. They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t think that it’s necessarily time that does the healing. I think its the experiences and range of emotions you go through during those times that allows you to heal and evolve into a more mature being, if you choose to do so that is. You have to reach real deep into every area of yourself that’s hurting and hating etc, pull them up, allow them to be exposed and get air so they can heal properly. Otherwise, they will become stagnant and infected and the effects on your life will be tragic. It’s hard and it’s painful and not much fun, but the outcome is well worth the journey.
As much as I joke around about my roommate teasing me for not having a boyfriend, I am glad I didn’t have one. Note, I said “didn’t.” I still don’t, but I finally want one and that’s huge. I can honestly tell you today that I have hope for the future. It’s scary, but so are roller-coasters! Along with intoxicating and fun! (One of my favorite things actually.) I know that there are decent guys out there. Guys that hold the same values I do near and dear to their heart. Ones who’s mamas raised them right and they actually kept with it. One day, one will find me. Until then, I’ll enjoy the scenery. ;) And go on living and enjoying this life I lead. And what a wonderful life it is. I am blessed with friends and family who love me and are an example to me of what true love really is. The hopeless romantic inside of me has yet to die, I think it’s invincible. :)
(If you’re really curious as to what happened, here’s the cliff notes version.)